This is not the first tine that I have sat on this "side" of the bed. As an ICU physician I spend all of my working (and it seems,most of my waking) hours on the other side of the bed battling this fearsome grim reaper to win a stay of execution for my patients. Everyday I counsel patients and their families as I try to comfort and help them navigate this most terrible time of their life.
I haven't decided whether that experience is helpful to me or not as I sit here contemplating my father's possible death. On the one hand, it gives me a sense of control and a way to escape my own emotional reaction to all of this. On the other hand, it forces me to be hyper-vigilant and hyperaware of small things that bother me.
The pundits write endlessly about how much we spend in the ICU at the end of life. But none of them ever mention the denominator- that is, how much we spend on critical care which restores patients and their families to life. We also hardly ever know beforehand the outcomes of our interventions before we try. The waiting is hard. From both sides of the bed. I wish the pundits were sitting in my seat.
I haven't decided whether that experience is helpful to me or not as I sit here contemplating my father's possible death. On the one hand, it gives me a sense of control and a way to escape my own emotional reaction to all of this. On the other hand, it forces me to be hyper-vigilant and hyperaware of small things that bother me.
The pundits write endlessly about how much we spend in the ICU at the end of life. But none of them ever mention the denominator- that is, how much we spend on critical care which restores patients and their families to life. We also hardly ever know beforehand the outcomes of our interventions before we try. The waiting is hard. From both sides of the bed. I wish the pundits were sitting in my seat.
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